Episode 74: Mouthy Broad

Women are told by the patriarchy to be sweet, be kind. be polite, and be quiet. This is why I for one will never stop speaking truth to power.   

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Transcript

Hello Colleagues, whenever or wherever you are. Welcome to the Joyful Attorney Podcast. I’m your host Professional Certified Coach and practicing attorney, Laura Kelley.

It may come as a surprise to you that I have never been in Facebook jail or suspended from Twitter…despite the fact that sometimes I annihilate men on social media for fun. 

To be accurate, it’s not for fun. It’s that I have never learned how to shut my mouth and keep quiet. I have never learned to stay silent in the face of racism, misogyny, or bad takes. 

This is what got me banned from family vacations in 2001. And frankly this is why I am not everyone’s cup of tea. 

Yet, I don’t know how to be, nor do I want to be anyone else. 

Yes, I am a coach and a mindfulness instructor. I coach my clients to get the results they want in their personal and professional lives by taking radical ownership of their thoughts, emotions, and actions. So perhaps it may seem that I am a bit of a hypocrite that I get “triggered” by misogyny on the internet. But I’d like to explain that my social and political commentary may be bad for my brand, but as I have mentioned before, my people find me. I am not trying to be everyone’s coach, everyone’s lawyer, or everyone’s friend. In fact, that is part of my brand. I am real. I am authentic. I don’t pull punches, and I don’t mince words. 

Some people are cautious. Some people don’t want to rock the boat. Some people believe that they get better results by being ambiguous or ambivalent. I don’t think they are wrong. There is more than one way to exist in this world. 

In light of the passing of Queen Elizabeth II, I want to say that there is great strength in trying to be all things to all people. Learning more about the Queen’s devotion to service through a tumultuous 70 years is really awe inspiring. Her strength was in not being divisive. Looking around at our country, where it’s become a political strategy to divide a nation, I see the benefit in a diplomatic, neutral Head of State. But the Queen exercised no power. The Queen led no movements. The Queen was silent in the wake of great injustice. Friends, I am no Queen. I’m definitely more Meghan Markle. And proudly so. 

With this in mind, I want to talk about what it’s like existing in this society as a woman and why I believe it is my duty to speak and call out misogyny and the patriarchy. 

Before I go on, I want to issue a trigger warning. The rest of the podcast discusses themes that may not be suitable for younger audiences. Listener discretion is strongly advised. 

Margaret Atwood said, “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

Existing as a woman in this society, a Western Developed Nation, is dangerous. 

On September 02, 2022 at about 4:20am Eliza Fletcher, a mother, teacher, wife, and marathoner was violently abducted and murdered by a predator. Almost immediately, the victim blamers came out of the woodwork. She shouldn’t have been running at 4am. She shouldn’t be wearing such skimpy attire. She shouldn’t have been listening to headphones as she ran. 

It’s natural to want to blame the victim. Some of the worst victim blamers are women. We say “I would never…fill in the blank.” Why do we do it? Because we believe that if we don’t do those things, we can keep ourselves safe. We will be protected. We will not have to worry. And yet, all women know an inherent truth. We always have a low level fear for our safety that lives in our psyche. Most of us ignore it all or some of the time in order to operate normally in the world. We let our guards down at times to function. A healthy existence would be impossible being guarded at all times. And yet we know how to fit our keys between our fingers, we look behind our backs in dark parking garages, we scan our surroundings for perceived danger, we double check our locks, we take self-defense classes, we politely decline men’s advances, we cover our drinks, we never go out alone…

And it seems to me that most men have no idea what it takes to exist in this society as a woman. What it’s like to constantly watch your back. What it’s like to live with a clear and present danger. 

It’s summarized pretty well by She-Hulk: Attorney at Law (which you should be watching, by the way) as she tells Smart Hulk why she already has control of her rage. “I’m great at controlling my anger. I do it all the time. When I’m cat-called in the street, when incompetent men explain my own area of expertise to me, I pretty much do it every day, because if I don’t I will get called emotional or difficult or might just literally get murdered.” 

There are some good men who without maliciousness turn to paternalism…which sounds an awful lot like victim blaming. They live in a world where the women they love can be safe if they don’t run at night, don’t wear revealing clothing, and learn self-defense. What a wonderful world that would be. 

I’m a runner, but a while back I decided that for personal safety reasons, I had to stop running in the street and bought a treadmill. I know the chances of being abducted are low. The real safety issue for me was Miami drivers. But the truth is that I have never gone on a run without experiencing sexual violence in the form of catcalls, honks, leering, etc. 

A few years ago, I had a frightening experience  while running during the day. I was on a run on a residential cul-de-sac with no homes that was flanked by a canal and a pond (it’s Florida, water is everywhere). A man in a car pulled up next to me, got out of his car, and approached me. Immediately, I went into defense mode. I noticed no one else was around. Could I outrun him? What is my quickest point of egress? Fight or flee? He was asking me for directions. He stopped a woman running to ask for directions. I don’t know what his intentions were, but on this occasion I decided not to let my guard down. I did not do the polite thing and give him directions.  I made myself as big as I could. I did not get any closer. I put my hand up to indicate not to come closer and I forcefully told him no. I posted about this on Facebook. Most of my friends said that the man was clueless to put a woman in the apprehension of danger. Clueless? Possibly? Something more? Fortunately, we will never know. But face-to-face, a male friend of mine told me that I had overreacted. 

And that’s the kicker. We are always overreacting, no? As if that survival instinct that sits above the low level fear isn’t triggered easily. 

We are constantly criticized for daring to defend ourselves. And constantly criticized for not defending ourselves enough. 

Recently, I posted this to my Facebook feed:

I just want to remind you that the most dangerous place for a woman is in her own home. Women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner than be abducted and killed by a stranger. And it’s NEVER a victim’s actions that lead to her death. The entire responsibility lies with the perpetrator. Always. No victim blaming. Ever.

And a man wrote “I agree. Women must learn self-defense.”

YIKES. 

I had a choice. I could let this well-meaning, yet clearly ignorant man’s comment go. Or I could delete it. Or I could call this out for what it is: paternalistic, subtle misogyny. 

I wrote “No. This is the wrong attitude. The onus is not on women to defend ourselves. Self-defense may allow women to be more confident, which could make them less of a target on the street, but it does not protect them where they are more likely to be harmed: the home. Men need to stop committing violence against us.” This comment got a lot of likes and words of support from other women. 

The man responded that we had misinterpreted his words. He is a father, a husband, a karate teacher, and a lawyer. In fact, what he wrote was “I am sorry if my words were misinterpreted.”

And friends, you and I both know two things: 1) it’s not an apology if it’s conditional and does not acknowledge the harm and 2) there was no misinterpretation.

I let him know as much. I implored him to see the comments and see the likes. I asked him to take this opportunity to listen to women. He has since deleted the original comment, which took the entire thread with it. Is there anything worse than a dirty deleter?

But something interesting happened. A friend I respect and admire let me know that I had annihilated the man. That I had kicked him when he was down after he apologized. I listened to what my friend had to say. 

Perhaps I was too harsh. Perhaps I should have offered a figurative pat on the head for the faux-pology. Perhaps I should have even thanked him for the apology. I could have let him off with a warning. 

I thought about it some more. Did I call this man a name? DId I tell him he was ignorant or stupid? Did I imply he had malice? Did I impugn his character? 

No. I called out the comment for what it was paternalistic, simplistic, subtle misogyny. I actually got an A+ in modern internet politeness. 

But let me ask you the question: Why are we as women asked to spare the feelings of men? 

Be sweet. Be kind. Be polite. Don’t ruffle feathers. 

This all means the same thing. Keep your mouth shut. 

We have centuries of walking on the eggshells of male fragility. What has that gotten us? 

Well, I simply don’t know how to do that anymore. Misogyny anywhere is a threat to women everywhere. It may hurt some men’s fragile egos and feelings, but it doesn’t hurt nearly as much as how it hurts just to exist as a woman.

And because there are women who do not have a voice, who haven’t found their voices, or are too afraid to use them. I’ll use them for all of us. This is not to say that I speak for all women. I do not. But I do speak for equality, freedom, liberation, and an end to the patriarchy that harms us all. 

Because if they aren’t called on their BS, they will never get it. And until they get it, we will never be safe. Even the good men need to be called into allyship. 

Men have called me a lot of things. Intimidating is one of things I’ve been called. But let me be clear, just because you are intimidated does not mean I am intimidating.

I want to leave you with some stats. 

According to RAINN, The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, one in six American women will be the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her life time. 90% of rape victims are women. Every single woman I know has been a victim of some type of sexual violence.

Statistics from the National Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that approximately 1 in 4 women in America (23.2%)  have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

Approximately 1 in 2 women in America (47.1%) have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

The 4th leading cause of death in girls aged 1-19 is homicide. And the 5th leading cause of death of women ages 20-44 is homicide. 

Silence won’t keep us safe. 

Until next time,

Stay loud