Episode 52: Communicating Boundaries

In today’s podcast, the Joyful Attorney talks about how healthy boundaries contribute to a healthy and sustainable law firm culture. 

Transcript

Hello Colleagues, whenever or wherever you are. Welcome to the Joyful Attorney Podcast. I’m your host professional certified coach and practicing attorney, Laura Kelley. 

For the next couple of episodes, I’m going to talk to those of you who are joyful attorneys working in firms, where perhaps not everyone else is as joyful as you. Imagine that! We are going to work on how you can make sure that you are coexisting withiin a mindful, respectful and healthy law firm culture.

The two main ways to contribute to this goal are promoting healthy boundaries in the office and  employing mindful communication. These both create an environment where everyone feels connected, seen, heard, safe, and respected. 

Today, I’m going to talk about boundaries. This word sounds harsh and restrictive in the context of working alongside coworkers in a firm, but often the concept is quite liberating.

There are a number of misconceptions about what boundaries are. Boundaries are not mechanisms through which we control or micromanage other people’s behavior. Boundaries are not rules we impose on other people. 

In fact, the reality is that we cannot control other people’s behavior, this includes our coworkers. Adult human beings have their own experiences, perspectives and judgments that  create a very unique perspective through which they see the world. Because of this, we cannot expect other people to think or behave exactly the way we would or like we want them to. That’s very annoying isn’t it! But it’s better than being in a version of ‘Being John Malkovic’ but only you as the main character. 

Boundaries are mechanisms by which we protect our space, including our physical, emotional and psychological space. We protect our space by establishing a boundary with a consequence should it be violated. It is important to note that the consequence is regarding our own actions, not forcing others to act. 

We can think of boundaries like we would a front door to a home, a fence, or a gate. Again, they are mechanisms to protect our space. But like doors, fences, or gates, we ultimately cannot prevent people from entering by force. 

If that should happen, an appropriate consequence is how we act in response. For example, if someone trespasses on my property by crossing a well-marked boundary, a consequence would be for me to ask that person to leave or call the police. An appropriate consequence would not be for me to stew and resent that the person entered in this manner. 

We have both explicit and implicit boundaries. I, like most people, have a boundary that I will not tolerate an offensive touching to my person. This is a boundary that does not need to be explicitly stated because it is reasonably well understood in our society. Again, should someone touch me offensively, my consequences include taking the appropriate action as I see fit. 

However, most boundaries, especially in professional settings do require explicit communication because we cannot assume that we have the same expectations. For example, for some people, interruptions during the work day are boundary violations. 

Others welcome interruptions. Desperately so. All offices have ‘the hoverer’ who gets their perfectly reasonable kicks out of contact and conversation with fellow human beings. They also have the people category of ‘please save me from whatever godforsaken task involving reams of paper that I am doing at the moment’. They are natural allies.

We can explicitly communicate this boundary by informing our co-workers that we will not accept unscheduled calls, appointments or interruptions. In my case, I have a boundary that I do not accept unscheduled phone calls during my work day unless it is a true emergency. 

A true emergency involves an illness or injury or a call from EOIR or ICE. Or a lost food delivery driver - that’s a ‘drop everything’ moment in my day. Should someone make an unscheduled call to me, my consequence is that I simply don’t answer. 

I schedule a return call at a time that works for both parties. What I don’t do is get angry, resentful, or passive aggressive about the boundary violation. It is up to only me to uphold my boundaries. 
The way we make explicit boundaries is by first ensuring that a boundary is needed. If we are attempting to control another person’s behavior rather than protect our space, then a boundary is not the appropriate action. 

Second, ensure that you are not making a boundary out of annoyance or anger. Boundaries are best communicated with a neutral tone and by making the boundary about ourselves and not the other person. Third, be clear about whether the boundary needs to be explicitly stated. If so, fourth you make a request and set the consequence. For example, “If you…., then I will …” Remember that a consequence is about what we will do in response to a boundary violation. It always comes back to our own actions. Finally, healthy boundaries require follow through with the consequence. This is the hardest part about establishing boundaries. If we do not follow through with the consequence, we do not have a boundary. Our boundaries are always for us to uphold.

Building better boundaries is just one of the many courses you can find on Joyful on Demand, my brand new subscription-based group coaching program. You get practical content on time management, managing your mind, and so much more as well as weekly live coaching calls and access to a telegram channel where we can stay connected. And it all happens on your time, 24/7 - no boundary violations whatsoever. 

There is nothing like this on the market for legal professionals taking it to the next level. And the best part? The first month is free and you can cancel at any time. Head to the Joyful Attorney.com for all the details. 

Until next time, stay joyful!